cookie kumara

laughing at others expense is always a goer it seems; here goes

this friend (lets call her “Susan” : anonymity has been given in lieu of permission) of mine and her mate (”Alison”) were having a bit of a girls evening a while back; the plan was to have dinner, catch a movie and then maybe a couple of drinks if the flick didn’t put them to sleep.

thing is, both these girls are major stoners, so any given meal and/or movie (hell, anything really) is always accompanied by some marijuana. on this particular occasion they decided to forgo the usual pre-meal & pre-movie spliff combination and instead had a joint before the meal and then had a pot cookie each for dessert.

so anyway they get bent on a reefer and then have a fabulous munchie-madness dinner at a top-notch turkish restaurant. they then hop into the car and chase the meal with a pot cookie each that they’d pulled from the depths of Alison’s freezer before heading out.

now this is where they shoulda listened to me. i had one of these cookies, from the same batch, about a year beforehand (side story within side story: not everything keeps forever in the freezer; i didn’t know this until recently after suffering a gastric crisis from year-old mince) at a mates 30th. i was supplyin’ that night but ended up being a pill short so decided to miss out. i’d grabbed the cookie from the freezer at Alison’s as she’d just picked them up from some friends out bush who grow a little harvest on the farm. so i’m at this party and everyone else is pilling and i’m straight so i figure i might as well cookie it and on the way back from the car i see the mate who is having the 30th so i split the cookie with him.

heh its weird to be on pot and way more wasted then a house full of gutsers on pills but thats how it went down. the mate who was turning 30 spent the next four hours squatting in the front lawn uncontrollably drooling large strands of spidey-spit and unable to speak. from memory i hallucinated but it was a fancy dress party so who knows really, i do remember however getting far too personal with a bean bag while twitching and keening in the fetal position.

moving on. the point here is that i warned them to throw those damn cookies out, ‘cos they were radioactive or something. seriously.

the girls get to the cinema and Susan is already feeling a little woozy but just figures its the wine and spicy mediterranean food and they grab some popcorn and sit down for the movie. it only takes about 10 minutes before Susan can tell something is majorly wrong and stumbles out of the aisle and heads straight for the toilets. By the time she enters the fortress-of-tile the world is spinning uncontrollably and she simply bursts though the door and collapses forward onto the floor. there’s no-one in there with her and she tries to mewl for help but is unable to speak (ref: birthday boy).

the world keeps spinning and she gets motion sickness and needs to spew. she pulls herself to her feet and stumbles to the first cubicle. just as she bats the door open however her mixed meze makes a reappearance and she projectile vomits down the side of the stall. the spew bypasses the back corner of the toilet with such force that the ricochet spatters not only the stall and toilet shes in but manages to rebound under the half-foot gap between the bottom of each cubicle and leaves contrails of mess over the seat and cistern of the stall next to hers as well. she needs to spew more, but every surface of the stall she’s in is filth-ridden and after seeing that the next one is also unusable she stumbles into the third and assumes the position in short order. soon enough she’s puking with such force that the backspatter hits her in the forehead and gets in her hair while the bogwater roils like an underwater volcano.

it gets worse. she’d had a tooth knocked out by a headbutting baby about a year beforehand and had a plate with a false tooth installed as a stopgap until she had the cash and cojones to do a root-canal-bridge uber-operation as she had terrible teeth, no doubt not helped by substance abuse and munchies. anyway the puke is leaving her esophagus with such speed it dislodges her plate and her tooth descends into the bowl.

cue trainsspotting moment. having a front tooth gap is not a fun experience for the average girl, to say the least. the experience had been unbearable the first time around and she’s already smeared in puke so she grits whats left of her teeth and fishes her hand into the s-bend to snorkel for the sunken tooth. the smell and texture up close is unmentionable, bobbles of vomit coagulating against her forearm as she delves again and again for the tooth and then has to sort through and inspect handfuls of rank nastiness.

eventually the sensory overload wins out against her determination not to be toothless and she spring-jumps backwards out of the stall and staggers to the washbasins dripping goo from her fingertips and crying uncontrollably from the early onset of PTSD. she leaves vomit smears as she tries to turn the tap but her hands are too slippery and she then makes the mistake of looking into the mirror.

quite a sight. hair sticking everywhere from the hereto-before unknown gelling properties of bile. specks of vomit spatter on her forehead and glutinous streams of it all up her forearms. toothless. snot and tears streaming from whats left of her face. she looks down at her hands and as she turns up her palms the smell hits her again and she contorts into a semi-foetal crouch and spews all over the washbasins while simultaneously jerking and stumbling and crying uncontrollably before she loses it altogether and falls flat over and knocks her head on the pipes under the sink.

Alison has finally realised Susan has been gone too long and heads out to find her. She looks about and can’t see her and eventually heads into the lav to have a look. The scene she is confronted with goes something like this: cubicle doors with vomit-embossed handprints. sprays of vomit over the walls, floors, bowls and cisterns. panning around to vomit spattered over the bathroom mirrors and all over the basins and taps. finally, underneath the basins is Susan, spreadeagled and covered in vomit, missing a tooth and semi-conscious.

She rushes over and tries to get her to tell her whats happening but Susan is beyond incoherence. She tries to get her to sit up, but she’s lost all motor control and simply flops about wherever Alison isn’t directly supporting her. After many unsuccessful attempts to talk her out of it and get through to her Alison manages to get her to her feet with the intention of cleaning her up and getting the hell out of there as Alison’s metabolism is starting to kick in and she’s experiencing her incoming cookie-stone as rampant paranoia.

It’s not to be however. Susan is barely upright when she spews again, this time clear into the middle of the floor. Alison manages to keep her upright as her convulsions almost unbalance both of them and drags her to the only usable cubicle remaining. Susan tries to hold her next upchuck ejections in her mouth with her hands but as Alison is carrying her by bear-hugging her around her waist it feels like a heimlich manoeuvre with every step and as she enters the fourth stall she chokes and coughs up bile through her fingers to form another technicolour rainbow over the door and wall of the cubicle before being summarily dropped as Alison bails out with extreme prejudice.

Susan dry heaves again and again while seeping tears and mucus and tries to convince Alison to look for her tooth but it ain’t happening. Alison is paranoid as hell as they’re both drugfucked and the whole john looks like an abattoir; Susan is crying for an ambulance now but Alison won’t have it and starts laying into her to snap out of it and get the fuck up so they can get the fuck out.

Susan is still way past it though and soon enough crunch time hits. The four movies showing at the cinema all finish within 20 minutes of eachother and every third female patron looks to tinkle out their captive consumption of fluids from the candy bar. It’s cheap night at the cinemas so the place was packed and before the girls know it there’s a calvacade of hipsters, soccer moms, little girls and grandmas coming in to view their little shop of horrors. Susan hides her head in the toilet bowl and Alison insists that an ambulance has been called as have cinema staff, etc, etc, in a paranoid attempt to contain escalation and soothe the screeching and vociferous complaints of various bitchy bladder-busters. The smell of fertile crescent cooking together with tart bubbly and stomach-sauce forms a heady aroma that assaults the senses and half the incoming women simply dry-heave, double-over and exit immediately. Two teens come in gushing over whatever fine fellow they’ve just seen on film and one of them manages to slip over in the muck as she’s too busy blabbering ‘ohmygoshhessocutedidyousee…’ to watch where she’s going. soon enough her and her mate are swearing and threatening recrimination as only those who have yet to be disabused of their sense of entitlement truly can. the teens marvel at full whine as they discover that every bowl and basin is beyond redemption before exiting in a hail of insults and complaints.

eventually the stream of incoming urethras peters off but Alison still can’t get Susan mobile and now she’s worried about the staff catching them and she’s starting to spin out pretty heavily herself so she fireman carries her out of the toilet and stares straight ahead to the exit and frogmarches the hell out of there. they get to the car and manage to get in just as Alison’s cookie starts to hit high gear.

good times ensue.

they drive around like a bumper car, over kerbs and down sidewalks in Alison’s tiny Hyundai before pulling up in down the road from a toll booth. Alison at this point is freaking out and refuses to go any further. Susan is starting to come around as she’s puked out every last morsel of cookie but she’s still covered in puke and wants to get home and presumably into a chemical shower. as she starts to be able to focus on her surroundings again she notices Alison sitting bolt upright next to her with a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel and eyes saucered with fear. They have a long conspiracy-centred conversation about how they ended up in front of a toll booth at the airport and make a number of short-lived attempts to creep forwards towards the toll booth before Alison inevitably freaks out about incoming cessnas piloted by the CIA and starts ranting and blabbering and screeching before Susan can calm her down and convince her to make another attempt. Eventually they pull up and it takes five minutes to convince Susan to roll down her window a crack before they proceed to throw every cent of change they have in the car out the window in a spastic fit of fear before screeching off at full speed. As they head around a corner Susan looks out the back window to see a postbox liberally decorated with coins and no sign of a toll booth or better yet an airport.

heh anyway the girls got home eventually and I heard this story first hand the next morning while driving Susan to the dentist

 

urban legend kumara

you know I wouldn’t believe this story was anything but an urban legend if I hadn’t heard it teledildonically a mere hour after the event. The mental imagery created as I cracked up while hearing it was pure gold.

ok so my mate John has been going in to see his best mate from high school Mark at the hospital all week ‘cos Mark’s just had a kidney bypass - pretty serious stuff.

on thursday arvo after not having crapped since the op earlier in the week the nurses ask John to walk Mark around the ward all day to try & get his bowels back in action. They walk up and down all day to no avail so the doctor prescribes a hospital-strength laxative. The doc says it’ll take a few hours to kick in so they decide to go to the newsagents across the road from the hospital to get some books/comics to read. there’s a skywalk between the two sets of buildings so they head across and call a lift for the ground floor.

the building they’re now in is the private part of the hospital and they hop into the lift with a couple of young, classy looking chicks who’ve been up to visit their rich grandma. these chicks are glam/fit/pert/glossy and so the boys naturally perv rather openly, especially after the enforced sexlessness of three days in the hospital ward observing cadaverous coot-crank.

so the lift heads down to the ground floor while the guys surreptitiously steal glances at these two hotties; one 18 or so, her sister maybe 22 and both coming across as class acts.

so then the level indicator dings ‘G’, but the lift keeps moving, and after a few seconds of continued downward travel the ‘G’ indicator flashes red/dings twice and goes out, and the lift lurches to an ungainly but not unprecedented stop.

the guys wait for the door to open, but it doesn’t happen. they press the door open button, but nothing happens. they try to call the lift to a higher floor, but nothing happens. so they figure the lift is stuck, and press the emergency button. and again. and then again. they figure the lift company will call them in a few minutes and after some initial nervous banter John starts playing the larrakin to defuse tension and they settle in for the wait.

after about ten minutes however, John notices that Mark has gone really quiet, and that beads of sweat have started to form on his forehead. He’s kind of grimacing and backing himself into the corner of the lift and as John is going through his latest tension-defusing joke a long, high, thin whining sound starts up. John’s conversation patters to a stop as they all cock their ears to figure out where and what this sound is and whether it spells the impending obliteration of their metal casket. the sound changes pitch to even higher and squeakier as the banter stops, and sounds for all intents and purposes like someone slowly letting air out of a balloon.

Just as the sound whumpfs out to a ‘ble-e-ert’ sound they all simultaneously start to wrinkle their noses as they begin to notice the addition of a few extra eddies of air to to the atmospheric equilibrium of their little airlock. soon enough the odor begins to coalesce into a relatively innocuous pong. the relief is that it doesn’t smell like smoke, and everyone is sniffing and inhaling madly to identify/rule out the source of the odor as either the the initial spark patterns of a soon-to-be-combusting electrical fault or the overheated thermal transfer of lift brakes eating into hydraulic bushes.

but then John notices that while he and girls are sniffing investigatively, Mark isn’t. In fact his grimace has deepened, and his cheeks have gone beet red. John cottons on, and immediately quick-glances faux-nonchalantly at the girls, to find that they too have had their universes invaded by an unwlecome discovery; they are no longer sniffing, but are staring directly at Mark, their faces suddenly slack but like a dawn horizon the first hints of facial muscle tugs that will soon distort their features have begiu to tic into existence.

John glances back at Mark, who has managed to turn and even brighter shade of red than previously, possibly helped by his pale hospital pallor. Mark has his eyes vehemently downcast, searching for a line-of-sight safe haven among the featureless confines of the lift.

Then all of a sudden he blurts out loudly, staccato, that he’s so terribly, terribly sorry, but he thinks there’s something wrong developing. and then he apologises again, and blubbers, and then just continues to apologise profusely from underneath a pall of mortification.

Thing is, the whole time he’s speaking, he’s farting. Every syllable is compounded by a backbeat of pitter-patter blat-blat botty-belch. The look on the girls faces has traversed initial disgust and dismay to repulsed disbelief and finally outright horror.

Soon enough the exhaust mixture begins to percolate in earnest. The initial puffs of fetid aroma solidify into blatant stench. Mark is pretty much losing it, and is contorting himself into shuddering fits that simply bring back Mr Squeaky Balloon. John startles from the reverie of aghast fascination that had overtaken him, glancing back and forth from the rampant deflowering of fastidious innocence on one side of the court to the spectacle of a grown man attempting to fold his pelvis into his ribcage on the other, and settles Mark down into quieter spates of gibbering while he explains to the girls the ‘lowdown’ on the chemically-induced state of Mark’s intestinal tract.

John also dials into the hospital on his cell as no-one has answered the security phone and luckily enough he has coverage. As he’s giving the details of Mark’s steadily worsening condition and their whereabouts the operator remarks on recognising the lift they’re in as ‘oh, the small one’.

As luck would have it they’ve alighted into a 6-person lift. Now Mark’s no lightweight, hence the need for gastric surgery. John’s an ex-boxer and gym-bunny and in true Greek Adonis style has a chest and guns like pressed ham.

Lets get some perspective here. We have four people stuck in a tiny lift, two of whom are fine figures of men. One of those men is sputtering like a two-stroke lawnmower and descending through a cognitive failure sequence. And with each addition to the fuel-air mixture, the rancid stench deepens.

John starts frantically dialling again. The pressure of providing the foil to Mark’s implosion while projecting a calm and defusing demeanour to the dilettantes is becoming too much.

The girls attempt to sieve themselves through the walls. Every inch of their body position is a directed measure to maximise the distance between them and patient zero.

Mark shits himself.

Or more precisely, be emits a protracted series of guttural, nostril-wrenching, high-pitched enunciations before breaking into the full song of the arse-moan symphony orchestra that is a grown man surrendering to explosive diarrhoea. As he descends through the octaves it is clear by the bowcurve of his lower back and the spasms of his pelvis that the battle of the bulge is lost. In the confines of the lift every ‘puck’ of his ringmeat defenestrating is like a gunshot at high noon.

The greetings of the 000 telephonist echo unanswered into the aether. Time has stopped momentarily like a Matrix slow-mo, matter suspended and awaiting the collapsing wavefront of reality crashing in from the future.

The 18 year-old vomits into her mouth, but does well in John’s opinion to choke it back down again. The older one shows no outward signs life and has seemingly retreated to her happy place. John thinks she’s going to faint for sure.

Thing is, Mark’s in a hospital gown. Whatever ephemera-undies he’s wearing aren’t up to the job of playing short-stop to the high-velocity rounds. And as it’s a tie-at-the-back hospital gown, layer two of the setup is about as useful as assless chaps. In a truly heroic fightback against the crushing blows being dealt to his psyche Mark has gathered the skirts of his medical-mumu into his lunar plexus. Miraculously, seepage is avoided, and Mark’s quivering legs remain lily white and unsullied. The gown however fares less well, and from his lateral angle John can see a back-hanging pouch of feces staining the makeshift hobo-wrap enclosing it.

In all, they were in the lift for 56 minutes. The lift had descended into the hydraulic bay below ground floor. When the doors were finally opened and they were greeted by a truncated floors’-eye view of the building lobby and in the entrance two firetrucks, an ambulance and various police/security vehicles. The rescuers closest to the lift doors recoiled and exclaimed as they slid them open, returning only grudgingly to grasp the frantic palms of the distressed damsels. Thing is, farting stinks, but actual shit is a whole other thing, especially when it’s been hatched on an operating table and then brewed for three days in a post-op stew of recovering gutmeat.

John gets out third, and Mark is strap-winched out last. As he’s jerkily pulled out of the cabin his makeshift porta-potty gives up the ghost and the combination of low viscosity and launch-to-impact elevation to results in wide splatter-sprays of shit all over the inside of the lift. Mark is bundled onto a stretcher, his legs and feet no longer virgin territory and a sight to behold. He responds to the queries of the paramedics with the soft tones of a beaten man.

The sisters came out of the toilets looking pallid, and John headed off to get his curry. I’m thinking he’ll be taking the stairs next time though.

 

Online Resume Kumara

 

thought I’d change my LinkedIn CV to be actually honest for a refreshing change:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/osbornekevin

 

 

 

 

Kevin Osborne

Person Who Has No Idea Who Half Their Connections Are

Summary

Probably The Only Truly Honest Personal Summary on LinkedIn

- Turns up late, most every day. Programming engine doesn’t really kick in ’til midafternoon, and up until then will happily browse RSS feeds, write personal emails, and fantasize about peforming sordid sex acts while staring out the window.
- When finally getting around to tapping something useful out on the keyboard, will produce code that is often enough of a particularly poor quality. The insufferable banality of domain-specific business logic drives the extrusion of nothing other than fetid little stools of code, like a mangy cat with a bent tail and gammy leg squatting and mewling as its little programming-porticullis lets loose with yet another poorly formed explusion.
- Soon enough will be back to circumventing the internet filter and logging on to home linux boxen to manage bittorrent downloads and perform housekeeping tasks (a.k.a filing freshly downloaded porn by size and colour of sexual extremity and number of partners involved).
- Managers will find the candidate to be just as much an insufferable prig as any other engineer, believing that anyone not coding full-time is semi-imbecilic and finding your needs for ‘on-time’ and ‘on-budget’ to be the plaintive whinings of a corporate shill who sold out to the man long ago.
- When entering into salary and performance reviews passive-agressive neuroticism will only be matched by overinflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. Will be miffed if renumeration extortions are not ridiculous enough and leave in the middle of a late project to swan off to yet another deluded firm who have no idea that any engineer worth their salt can swan by hacking 100 minutes of mangled obfuscation a week while still billing 40 hours plus overtime.

 

Specialties:

Skiving, Bilking, Surfing, Bludging. Watercooler Etiquette. Nose Picking, Masturbation on the Premises, Intermittent Bathing. Stealing Stationery and Peripherals, Posting the entire IP Codebase on Sourceforge.

Experience

 

 

Bored Sonofabitch

Predatory Conglomerate

(Public Company; 5001-10,000 employees; Gambling & Casinos industry)

December 2006 – Present (3 months)

> Bringing getting paid for doing nothing to new lows
> Sitting on police background check
> Truly amazed at the inanity of corporate culture

 

 

Inappropriate Resource Choice

Goons with No Idea how to Manage Software

(Public Company; 51-200 employees; Wireless industry)

December 2005 – November 2006 (1 year)

> Heartily recommend any workplace which sits immediately adjacent to a quality city pub
> Had great fun working with non-techincal senior management bozos who thought that the basic physics of software engineering should be completely different for them as opposed to the other 7 million companies doing real programming
> Capped off my charm tour by sending out an excoriating all-company email after the best coder in the company was sacked for suggesting a wiki

 

 

Cowboy Coder

Whitecollar Fraud Enabler

(Privately Held; 1-10 employees; Financial Services industry)

October 2005 – November 2005 (2 months)

> Pulled code out of my arse on demand
> Was probably exploited rather heavily to produce a middleware system that by rights should have cost a packet and been delivered by a services org

 

 

Job That I Turned Down an Offer in Norway For

Someone’s Kitchen and Someone Else’s Garage

(Privately Held; 11-50 employees; Information Technology and Services industry)

July 2005 – September 2005 (3 months)

> God forbid actually did real work at times
> Interspersed the work by telecommuting (a.k.a downloading porn while sitting in jocks all day)
> Had the pleasure of lunching with straight+oblivious boss while sitting in a suburban shithole of a pub while drugs were dealt in the carpark and two hookers plied mulitple johns and then picked a fight with their bikie pimp

 

 

Resident Boozer

Boffin Club

(Public Company; 1001-5000 employees; Computer & Network Security industry)

July 2003 – June 2005 (2 years)

> Reflected poorly against a cadre of top-flight hackers including a couple who have code running in the majority of servers worldwide
> Often took three hour lunchbreaks in order to play subsequent sessions of touch football and soccer before grabbing lunch
> Fluffed about incessantly with their unmatched array of boxen and gizmos, yet still managed to complain truculently when tasked with actual work
> Stole a co-workers running shorts from his locker after having an unfortunate follow through
> Shook hands with the US parent company CEO while still peaking off 6 points of meth

 

 

Taxpayer Funded DVD Ripper

Pointless Beauracratic Vestige

(Government Agency; 10,001 or more employees; Government Administration industry)

November 2002 – July 2003 (9 months)

> Did nothing but play with Linux boxen
> As a young parent grovelled pathetically to excuse participation in the amorous advances of a leather-boot wearing vivacious vixen of a cube-colleague; many regrets
> Eye-opening introduction into the sheer wastefulness of the public service

 

 

Parenthood-Enforced Paycut Taker

Third-Tier Spam Merchants

(Privately Held; 501-1000 employees; Outsourcing/Offshoring industry)

October 2001 – November 2002 (1 year 2 months)

> After three years of concurrent fulltime study+work, developed narcoleptic tendencies to fall asleep at my workstation
> As a parent of a newborn mailed it in most days, when not fantasizing about the cute CS staff
> Forced to seek out self-requested projects in order to sidestep the daily, grinding inanity of enforcing beauracratic directives mailed to the snivelling masses
> Happily executed ‘rm -rf $var1″/”$var2′ in a self-coded script on the production server with empty $var’s; clobbered the only production Solaris server which had been modified to have no chmod protections in the root folders
> Capped off a schoolboy production mistake by spoiling hundreds of thousands of dollars in materiel and thereby forcing around a hundred factory employees to work 24-hour shifts through the longest holiday weekend of the year

 

 

Second-Rate Public Service Slacker

Obscure Research Centre into Distasteful Subject Matter

(Educational Institution; 1001-5000 employees; Higher Education industry)

January 2001 – September 2001 (9 months)

> Constantly fell asleep at desk after all-night fruiting sessions, due to three-timing of a bevy of older women, including an ex-catwalk model and a windsurfer with an eight-pack
> Dress standards reached new lows, singlets and shorts most days and on more than one occasion forgot to wear sandals altogether
> Graduated to moving larger amounts of Class A narcotics during recreational time
> Now in the third year of concurrent full-time work+study, spent most of the otherwise brief hours at work doing university projects

 

 

Bubble 1.0 Loose Cannon

Medicore Games Development House

(Privately Held; 1-10 employees; Computer Software industry)

September 2000 – December 2000 (4 months)

> Average start time: 2pm
> First and only workplace where I recieved fellatio under the desk while coding
> Regular trysts on the boardroom table, often leaving ridiculously large wet spots to be puzzled over in meetings the next day
> Sacked a week before christmas after the bubble burst

 

 

Security Questionnaire Dodger

Private Firm Run By Egomaniacal Prigs

(Public Company; 501-1000 employees; Outsourcing/Offshoring industry)

December 1998 – September 2000 (1 year 10 months)

> Personally responsible for many tens of thousands of dollars in production run mistakes
> Shift work routinely involved sucking bongs down while operating millions of dollars worth of high-speed heavy machinery
> Sucked gobsmackingly large amounts of ass to be promoted into engineering, only to discover entry-level programmers do ridiculously easy tasks that require the talents of a bonobo monkey
> Stumbled through my last day in stinky club clothes after having a huge bender the night before; mumbled something unintelligible as my going away speech before proceeding to get drunk further, and capped the night by digitally penetrating a co-worker on a dancefloor while a work buddy urinated on a lounge

 

 

Minimum Wage Youth Slave

Poor Man’s Phone Warehouse

(Privately Held; 51-200 employees; Telecommunications industry)

May 1995 – February 1997 (1 year 10 months)

- Great for pot money after dropping out of university
- Focussed training on how to exploit money from the gullible and infirm
- Corporate programming sessions designed to induce fervent love of an otherwise soulless organisation
- Crashed the company car and dealt drugs on the premises

Education

 

Queensland University of Technology

Bachelor, Software Engineering, 1999 – 2001

> Dating three women, getting shingles, maintaining a serious habit and fathering a child was not a recipe for good grades; took my bachelor and ran like the wind

Activities and Societies: Pull my first threesome with two women, and then proceeded to do it again on a number of occassions. See my concurrent work activites for more hi-larious hijinks. Norwegian girls are hawt

 

Yeronga Institute of TAFE

Diploma, Information Technology, 1999 – 1999

> Could often be found sleeping in the hallway; was working rotating 5 week/6 night shifts, did 42 subjects in a year and was at the club every non-work night
> Had the ignominy of a almost entirely scab-covered face for three weeks or so after narcoleptically passing out on a promenade bench at the beach

Activities and Societies: > Learned the lessons of my earlier criminal debacles by proceeding to move large amounts of MDMA

 

Wellington Polytechnic

Diploma, Business Computing, 1997 – 1998

Class A Possession for Distribution, Grand Theft Auto, Armed Robbery, Serious Fraud; Arrested, Charged and Fingerprinted for a minor charge only

Activities and Societies: Stealing lab equipment and computers, drinking the bar dry, entering into felonious criminal activity when should have been studying; still passed

 

Victoria University

Bachelor, Computer Science, 1994 – 1995

> Dismissed by heartless professors for failing to meet ‘terms’ requirements; be buggered if an 18 year old is going to make 7am classes
> Dropped out to become a dollar chaser

Activities and Societies: Getting baked in the toilets, drinking milkshakes and playing pinball

Additional Information

 

Websites:

• My Website
• My Blog

 

Interests:

Group Sex, Drug Use, Getting Paid for doing Nothing.

 

Groups and Associations:

Chlamydia, Hepatitis B.

 

Honors and Awards:

Assplay Masturbation with a Really Large Dildo. Only Once. And By Once I Mean Twice.

 

haven’t been sober since christmas

best visuals from the weekend:
- a ton of extra-hot cowgirl getup at a cowboys’n'indians themed house party (chix in boots = my #1 turnon)
- a mates pit bull going gangbusters at shagging my kids blowup pool shark thingo
- seeing my missus fall out of a moving car to be narrowly avoided by a screetching+swerving+beeping taxi down the hill by the gabba
- stumbling round a corner to catch a couple of mates fuck-buddying on a trampoline (mad physics on that one)
- randomly parking up next to a reserve where a couple of nutters are pulling off sick jumps & tricks on their motocross bikes
- <edited - R18 and implicates me in acts that may be illegal in queensland>

ah it’s all gold at the moment. in other news the missus crashed the car again and to boot <edit, edit, edit!>. harvard law school rocks!!

 

2007 kumara

(disclaimer: <… *mumble, cough*> [read: something universally apologetic that retains ownership of responsiblity] )

(warning: <… *splutter, hack*> [read: you won't regret not reading this, so don't. really, please, just don't.] )

ok well two-doublebanger-seven is here, and it seems I am, too. here’s the kumara served rancid, see apologies above:

- my new job kind of sucks, but at least I should be able to bag it here with impunity, as the gestapo-grade webnanny rejected it out of hand. that said the blokes are ok, if somewhat straight; however the average age on my floor is circa 50 and i’ve yet to encounter a rootable female under 40. sure, some of the over 40’s are fine examples of the breed but for fucks sake just for once I’d like to work with some females my own age who I can relate to. and no not clinton-style relations; I had that chance with a super-smokin’ raven-haired goddess while I was working for the government, she used to stay back late and chat me up at my desk in her her knee-high leather boots and ask me to come over to her opaque-windowed office for a ‘chat sometime’… you have no idea of the willpower my pathetic refusals involved.

- want camping up at tin can bay, had a great time with the kids, and happily fruited the missus on the picnic table across the road from the beach at like 10:30pm on a wednesday; best squirt I’d had in ages, bemusedly wondering if any of the cars driving past was going to stop. accidentally crashed the xmas party for the permanent residents at the camping site momentarily; altogether quite a cheery little group and they were lovely to us but the sorrow, heartache and loneliness is palpable. lots of older broken people tossed together like detritus at a sewer grate. was attacked by a wild cockatiel but fucked it up with my cap. twice. in front of witnesses. who weren’t baked. well not much. whoever heard of someone whacking the shit out of a bird in midair? stupid buggers own fault for slowing down to extend his talons towards my eyesockets. heh our next door neighbours were the oddest gay couple I’ve met in ages; two middle aged fruits, one a skinny version of bob hawke and the other a dead ringer for the subway ‘eat fresh’ guy, ‘cept he was fatter, sweatier and maybe some kind of latino. the thought of them two playing hide-the-twinkie was magic. hmm went fourbie-bashing and boating, good stuff. nikita had her first motorbike ride on a cool little peewee, got back on without prompting every time she came off, gun keen, she’ll be a petrolhead yet. consumed moderate amounts of pills and ridiculous amounts of ganja, but only when the kids were asleep.

- hmm new years; what do I say? partied down at bulimba, kez’s, oxford 152, then pete’n'mandy’s. had my first MMF, out of the blue with a mate and some random off the street. top-level beauracrat no less, and smoking f’in hot. i was a f’in freak, and enjoyed myself immensely before inevitably becoming disgusted with myself and wracked with guilt. smoked the crack. went to bbq breaks. capped off 7 pills in 14 hours by taking three at once and then hallucinating like fuck, though that was probably the pipes’o'crack. you know you’re in trouble when you’re at a rave full of gutsers and people are asking you if you’re ok. capped it off by dumping a rubbish bag in the wheelie bin come morning and being covered in a shower of maggots ejected from a broken garbage bag pressurised by me jamming the last one in. I just flicked the fuckers off and pretended like it never happened. if you haven’t seen ‘A Scanner Darkly’ yet, then do.

 

scepticism kumara

It’s always a delight to find out everything you know is wrong.

To start with, here’s a few old wives tales:

• “Chewing gum stays in your gut for seven years” : http://www.snopes.com/oldwives/chewgum.asp
• “Lemmings commit mass suicide by jumping off cliffs en-masse” : http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/moments/s1081903.htm
• “Humans only use 10% of their brain” : http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/tenper.html
• “We lose 21 grams when we die” : http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/moments/s1105956.htm
• “Hair and fingernails keep growing when we’re dead” : http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mhairgrow.html
• Bombing Hiroshima & Nagasaki was to save American soldier’s lives : http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn7706 and http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig2/denson7.html.
• China’s Great Wall is the only man-made structure visible from space : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3505040.stm and http://www.nasa.gov/vision/space/workinginspace/great_wall.html

Now lets start with a bit more meaty memes. A simple rule of thumb seems to be: if this thing would be an amazing new feature of existence, and yet it seemingly just can’t be validated, then its bullshit. And no pulling the ’secret conspiracy’ card; the most powerful man in the world can’t even keep a blowjob secret.

• ESP, telekenisis, levitation, paranormal ability in general : http://www.randi.org/research/faq.html. There’s a million dollar prize available to anyone who can prove paranormal ability under ‘observable conditions’. It’s been running since 1964. no-one has even come close.
• UFO’, Roswell, E.T, abductions etc : http://www.debunker.com/ufo.html and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fermi_paradox. I’m pretty sure half the premise behind this was just to stir up a pre-existing xenophobia that could then be used against the ‘red menace’ once the menacing little green men were done for.
• Illuminati : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illuminati. Blame this one on circa-1770’s Catholics to start with, and from then on the rampant idiocy within popular culture that sustains such puerile nonsense. It’s approaching 250 years old and this old chestnut is still doing the rounds.
• Jews-run-the-world-rubbish : http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?groupid=416&HistoryID=aa42. Anti-Semitism is some kind of toxic plague that has poxed Europe and its descendants for the better part of a millenium. Get over it you idiots. And chalk up another one for the papal fanboys.
• afterlife, reincarnation, karma, god(s) : where do I start? how about your own common sense and http://richarddawkins.net/.

 

blog spam kumara

I’ve been spamming my own blog with my del.icio.us bookmarks, and have decided to discontinue the practice - essentially because having looked at it it looks I’ve been spamming my own site. It kind of comes off like fapping in my own mouth. yermy. that reminds me - I recently met a guy through friends who all refer to him ’snowball’ when he’s not around. When I asked why I was told its because all the girls he’s slept with claim he likes them to spit his own jizz back into his mouth after they’ve given him a blowjob. hence the term ’snowball’. lunch anyone?

anyways if you want to know what I’m bookmarking I’ve got it on the sidebar, or you can add me to your del.icio.us network: http://del.icio.us/kevin

or alternatively there’s a nice aggregator page at http://kev.suprglu.com/

eh and I’m going to delete the linkroll posts. huzzah.

 

grouphug kumara

my all-time favourite confessions from grouphug.us:

1 time i was jacking off n my cat walked by n i was really in to it so i picked him up n tryed to make him lick my cock. but he dident do nething so i just pushed his face in to my ass hole n i got so carryed away i forced his ntire hed into my ass hole. it kinda hurt but i had the best orgasm of my life but my cat suffocated. i had 2 wash my dead cats head so it dident smell like my ass hole it sucked hard

I beat the shit out of this bum for asking me for money.
I don’t feel bad about that, I just wish he’d been a muslim.

I really hate blind people. I like to make strange noises whenever I see a blind person. Then I punch them in the face.

one summer vacation i passed out drunk in my hotel after a night at the club
i had forgotten to close my door and i woke up with a used condom in my ass

i sometimes find my self day dreaming about midgets covered in cheese. i just want to lick it all off then fuck them. the other day i saw this hot midget and asked her did she like cheese. i told her why and she slapped me and told me i was a sick bastard

I Smuggle Lots of Drugs (weed, crank, lsd-25, oxycontin, vicodin HP, and Extacy - MDMA, the real shit out of Mexico once a week. I keep logs of how much I invest and How Much I Profit. So Far This Year, I’ve Netted 3.2 Million(US) Tax Free.. This Weekend Will Be My Last Trip as I am Retiring At Age 30. Too Many Close Calls and the Feds Are Getting Too Smart. Chances Are, if You are in the midwest and take BlairWitches (rolls, beans, etc…) or blottered LSD, I’d say there’s a very high chance I transported it.
I’ve been doing this for the last 10 years and have found away around dogs and suspicious cops/border patrol.

I’m an air traffic controller in southern california, and on the midnight shift I like to vector the loudest jets (727’s and older 747’s) straight over Beverly Hills at a low altitude just to wake up and piss off all those pretentious rich Hollywood fucks.

Once when I was camping, I went into the bathroom and there was a little kid peeing into one of those urnials that go all the way to the floor, so I pushed him into it and ran.

Today i took a dump in a lunch bag, carried the bag to the office of my boss and threw it behind a stack of papers. a subsequent meeting was cancelled because people got sick to their stomach from the smell. after the boss had left, i put 500Mb worth of kiddieporn on his pc. a few minutes ago i sent an anonymous message to an anti child porn center and the police reporting that he was offering the stuff on the net and that his office pc contains tons of it.

i once found out that my neighbor had stolen my paper in the morning, so the next day i killed my $300 cat with my bare hands so i could place it behind the tire of him car and cause him much greif and get a cool 300 $

Yesterday I was in the elevator with 2 VP’s from my company and my boss who is from the UK.
I had drank allot of coffe that morning, and lets just say my stomach was a churning cauldron of sin.
We had to go up 9 floors and I thought I could make it but I didn’t and out came the loudest wettest fart I think I have ever had. I mean it sounded like someone exploding dynamite underwater.
I just looked at my boss and I guess the 2 VP’s thought that it came from him also and well they blamed him.
It was pretty funny to tell the truth, but he got fired today, so maybe it wasn’t that funny.

I made my way through med school purely by cheating. The truth is i have no idea what i am doing. Most of the time i just say what i think sounds good. Even worse, i see 25+ patients a day

I am a NYC fashion model. I model womens clothes and I have appeared in print ads, mostly in newspaper inserts or catalogs. I am seen fairly often. What no one realizes is that I am a man. I am 24, 5′8″, slim, and I crossdress. I dont use hormones and I dont have breasts, but I have a feminine look. I put a portfolio together on a lark, borrowing a slew of clothes from girls I know and getting a photographer. I got discovered when a friend got my pictures seen by someone in the business. Funny thing was, the agency was cool with me being male. Seems there are quite a few men who model womens clothes. Its common knowledge in the business, but most people aren’t aware of this. I really dig that I can make money with my hobby, though it’s weird going out during the day in drag if I have to meet someone. I’m too short to make it big as a model, which is just as well, cos If I did, I’d have to get implants.

i took a shit at work today and as the bastard squeezed through my sphincter I shouted freedom and threw my fist in the air braveheart style.
i have absolutely no idea why, but it felt good.

i picked my nose on the freeway today and because i looked down at my finger i didn’t see the car in front of me start to swerve in the rain- i hit his car, he hit the car next to him, and three people were taken in ambulances- i don’t know what happened to them.

I like taking dumps in inconspicuous places and leaving it there. Then i walk by the next day and when it stinks, I feel good about it.

I smell women’s chairs at work

I killed the man who raped my best friend. Everyone–even she–thinks he committed suicide.
Remorse? None.

I sometimes when i pull myself I sit on my head and try to catch my cum in my own anus.

i got my ass fucked and im gay, and sometimes when i shit i bleed and sometimes i lick it off the toilet seat.

i work for one of the nations larger media outlets.
few people would belive the actual amount of total bs we spew out in the airwaves daily.
its very amusing when i hear average Joe discussing things like politics and citing our “facts” as if they were true.

I went on a date that turned bad early on. I wanted out and got a string up my ass to do something totally bizarre, so when this whiny girl came back from the bathroom I quietly unscrewed the lid to the ketchup bottle and deep throated it. The ketchup ran down my throat and I started snortling really loud, until flecks of ketchup came out of my nose. I gagged and pulled the bottle out and stared at this chick with a maniacal grin. She fled and I went and played pool with my friends.

I feel kind of guilty because I am truly a slut and there is no hiding it.
I’m married to a wonderful man and have two wonderful daughters and I’m afraid they will turn out like me and that is why I now feel the need to confess.
When I was younger I was quite easy. I though I was popular.
I would go to parties and fuck around with different guy’s. All the guy’s fucked around with tons of chicks so I thought that was the ‘in’ thing to do.
In my last year of high school I was at a house party. I was on X and was feeling kind of horny, so I told a couple of the guy’s on the football team to follow me into the bedroom. I fucked these four guy’s. After the first guy was done he left and I guess he told other guys on the team because more guy’s came in. I didn’t know what to do and they all seemed to like me so I fucked the whole team (some guy’s I even fucked twice).
I felt so dirty, but it wasn’t from that party.
Through the week I was called a slut and a skank.
At the next party the football team wanted another go. I said know, they said that they wouldn’t say anything and that people were talking shit because they were jealous.
The five of them started to fuck me in my ass and my cunt. I was sucking one guy off and giving the last guy a hand job. They all pulled out and came on my face, then laughed at me and said I was a stupid bitch and that I really was a slut and that I was getting what I deserved.
I felt so bad I went to the part and started to drink more. I passed out and when I woke up a couple of guys were naked and fucking me. When I asked what was going on, they kept pumping away and said that they knew I liked it that they knew I wanted it.
I just let them finish because I didn’t know what to do and they were right.
I hope my kids and husband never find out -NK

Every day after school I would walk home and see the same little girl next door. She would just be on her porch, standing there stone-faced. I thought it was weird since she always stared at me until I got into the house. At times when I walked out to go somewhere she was still there also, just staring at me. Sometimes I would see she would have a black eye, or a bruised lip, or something of the sort, but I was too absorbed in my own problems to think anything of it. One day…she just stopped showing up. It was only for a couple of days… but it was still weird… Then I found out that her father beat her to death.
I should have said something earlier when I saw the signs.

I have never told any one this but my current boyfriend once made me sleep with both of his dogs. I haven’t left him because I don’t think I will be able to get anyone else to love me. he does bad things to me all the time like pulls up my shirt in front of his friends when they’re over he tells me that he is my master and one day he will really start training me . The night that i had sex with his dogs he had told me that he wanted to see the dogs rape me but i told him that was something i wouldn’t do he didn’t push it but he got me to start drinking i think he slipped something in my drink because i didn’t have that much but i was drunker than usual like really drunk but not going to puke or anything well he is much stronger than me so he walked he into the living room and tied me to the chair then brought his dogs in and thats when it happened it hurt a lot and im afraid tht he will do this sort of thing again he has told me that he would tie me up and let all his friends pull a train on me. the problem is when the first dog was having sex with me it made me cum really hard so i think i might like it.

Sometimes I like to make things out of coathangers. I know it doesn’t seem that weird, but the thing is, it gets me really hot. I’ve fantasized about making love to the Pope while some acrhbishop held onto his coat (on a HOT coathanger) for him. I love twisting that thin metal, and I love thinking about what that thin metal, a bottle of pepsi and David Hasselhoff would do if we got a cheap motel room. I tried telling my boyfriend about it, but in a roundabout way, like talking about how people have weird kinks, but I don’t think he got it, even though I was caressing this beautiful little coathanger the whole time.

last night i masturbated so well i shat the bed.
The bad thing is, i was staying over at my gf’s while her parents ar on holiday, so i snuck out early in the morning before she came in to give me my morning bj.
Her parents were due back that day.

I have a small penis and I had sex with a fat girl. I’m no stick either. But damn, The physics of it all. Just bad sex. Also I should mention toilet paper worms. they were on her junk. Not pleasing.

the fedex guy gave me a blowjob at lunch.

I like to look at my parents porn.

I’m 24, I had a great girlfriend (now wife) who im madly in love with me and Im absolutley sure is completely loyal. She is stunningly beautiful,sexy,smart and ambitious. We had problems to start because she was a virgin and she wanted to save herself for marriage. I told her I understood but that I had needs and needed to be satisfied. So I almost broke up with her even though I loved her. She totally cried and sobbed cuz she thought I was “the one” (which I ended up being). I was not ready for marriage however, so we talked about how to resolve the situation. She agreed to perform oral sex for me, but it didn’t work as I am FAR to large for her (11 inches long and VERY thick)so she could barely get the head in her mouth. Still no satisfaction. As a last resort she agreed to anal sex, because she still wanted to save herself for marriage, which I could at the time respect. It was real hard at first because of my size and that she’s very petite, and she actually bled some the first time. It hurt her real bad, but I admit I didn’t care. I guess thats selfish but I had respectfully waited so long. She was a trooper and kept trying almost every night and now she takes the whole thing no problem. The problem is….I finally married her. Even after we could have normal sex (to which she could orgasm) she practically BEGS for anal sex 2 or 3 times a day ALMOST EVERY DAY. She finally admitted to me she has an addiction to it. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it but I don’t tell her because I love her and want her to be happy too. I just want a respectable marriage.

one day i was about to beat the highest level of a viedo-game, and i really had to take a shit. I didn’t want to stop playing because I was so into it. So, I just shat in my pants. Afterwards I gave the pants to Mother to wash and she said “NOT AGAIN!”

they should put a disclaimer on the front page of this site that says “if you are in love..fuck off” no one wants to hear about how much you “luv her” we want to hear about people sticking lightbulbs up their “bootyholes” or incest stories…duh

I slept with my wife’s mother (that would be my mother-in-law) at a relative’s wedding. I accidentally walked in on her changing out of her “wedding” clothes. This was about 2 hours into the reception and we had both obviously had a lot to drink. I started to close the door and leave but she said “Well, why don’t you come here and help me for a minute”. I thought it strange but came closer to help with her dress zipper. As I unzipped her she turned around and grabbed me straight in the groin and I got the biggest hard on. We ended up going at it right there. I kept expecting someone to come walking in and see me balling my own mother-in law. Seriously though, the best sex of my life. At the time she was probably 55 or so but damn could she screw! For some reason I don’t even feel all that guilty. It’s been 3 years since it happened and sometimes I even think about it when I’m screwing my wife. Talk about sick huh?

I feel really bad about something I did. A couple years ago, I had a bachelor party. We hired a hooker and we ended up killing her by accident. She was deep-throating my friends penis and it ended up tearing her windpipe. To make things worse, I ended up getting really drunk due to my guilt and had sex with my guy friend as my wife walked in our bedroom. My life has never been the same.

I once rubbed raw meat over the back of one of my brothers hamsters. The other one must have thought he was hamburger or something, because he chased him around all day trying to take a bite out of him. They ended up having a massive brawl in the cage, and the meat smelling hamster killed the one that was chasing him around, he bit right through his head. I told my bro I don’t know what happened.

I go into mens dressing rooms and wait until someone comes in to try on clothes, I am standing there naked with a hard on. They apologize for walking in, I like it though.

I ran over a dead deer in the road once.
So I stopped, put the car in reverse and ran over it again. I repeated the process for 5 minutes before the cops pulled me off.
They thought I was under the infleuence.
They were wrong. I just hate animals.

I once put the ’spike’ of a spindle of CD’s base up my ass. It felt pretty good. I only did it once, and by once I mean twice.

i was going at my girl from the back side, and when i thought i was about to blow i got up to let loose on her back, but instead i plopped out a small poo right on her butt. i was embarassed at first and my orgasm didnt come. she didnt seem to notice my poo on her bum, and it kinda turned me on. so i used my nads to smear it around a little on her bum, and when she asked what i was doing i yelled, “oh yea its a burrito with meatballs!” and then proceeded to blow my load all over. she broke up with me after that, but it was the most exciting orgasm i ever had.

sometimes, when it’s really dark out, i like to make cat noises to see if anything replies, cat or otherwise. usually i just get yells from my parents to “cut that crap out,” but i know they wish they had cat-calling powers like myself

I stole two cars today. I had lots of fun and I even got to see my boyfriend!

i’m shallow and i’m proud of it. ugly people and ugly things sicken me. i don’t see what’s so wrong with wanting to be surrounded by beauty. everyone thinks this way, it’s only good-looking people who can say it. ugly people would be like this if they could, but they’re stuck in their little box of ugliness and it kills them so they’ve invented this whole “beauty on the inside” shit.
yeah, that’s all well and good, but let me tell you, i am a totally hostile bitch, and people still kiss the ground i walk on, just because i’m gorgeous.
i didn’t make society this way, so why should i care?

My girlfriend’s poodle would bark everytime I tried sneaking into her window at night. Twice I hid under the bed as her father walked around checking things out. One day when they were out, I snuck in around back and grabbed the fucking thing by its neck and took it out to my car. I tied a rope to its neck and a brick to the other end. Then I pitched the damn thing off a bridge as I drove by.
I even helped put signs up for “lost dog” around the neighborhood, just like a good boyfriend.

i drink lemonade and eat salad all day
then i cry and fist my asshole
i wish i could tell someone but i’m just so scared

I am a “nullo” and my crotch is totally smooth. Since I was 12, I always fantasized about being sexless: just like a GI Joe doll. It took a bit of doing to get my wife to go along with this, but I convinced her and a doctor on the west coast. So, a year and a half ago, I went to a little clinic in Tijuana where he referred me, and the doctor removed my penis, testicles and scrotum, and relocated my urethra to a lower location. I sit down to pee, and use a strap-on with my wife, who is totally fine with my new anatomy. I can still have great orgasms if she does the right kind of anal play on me. I don’t feel like I’m actually missing much, and I totally love the smooth look. I am not crazy or transsexual, just a little bit different, I guess.

When I was young and learning to masturbate, I didn’t know how to do it properly. Instead of using an up & down motion, I would rub my dick between my palms, like when you’re rolling out Plasticine. As a result, my dick is now really weird looking. It’s long and thin. I can’t wear shorts in the summer as it tends to poke out through the leg of my swhorts. It’s really frustrating and I wish I had just looked at some porn and found out how to do it properly in the first place.

i just had to go commando at work cos when i farted i lost it and ‘followed through’. on returning to my desk i spent half an hour talking to my boss with the rolled up pair of undies in my pocket, completely caked in shit.

248458382
I work for a shipping company that deals specifically with the delivery of animals, mostly lab animals but we get some zoo business. Occasionaly some of these animals die during shipping, and we do some paperwork and have them creamated and no one ever misses them. Once I stole a monkey and marked it as dead and burned on the paperwork. I took it because it was a very large monkey and I thought it might make a cool pet. After I got tired of taking care of a huge monkey I shaved it and took it to a prostitute. I told her it was my deformed younger brother and that I would pay her extra to take his virginity. It cost me a lot of money but I got her to do it and let me watch. She was trying to pretend she liked it but she looked sick and Manny(the monkey) was confused at first but he really started to get into it. The whole experience makes me sick when I think about it. The fact that I watched and that I did that to that girl, I wonder if she beleived it was really my brother or if she just needed more crack. But also when I think about it I laugh so fucking hard. I shot the monkey and left it in the woods afterword, I guess Manny died happy.

198499133
I live in a small town in Kansas. I’ve always been the artsy type..painting, photography…while most other guys around here were more jocky. Tons of guys joined the millitary after high school and now almost all of them are in Iraq. They send letters home saying how proud they are of their wives and how it must be hard for them to deal with their husbands being away.
Well do you know how they deal with it?
They fuck me.
Thats right. While you are away getting your ass shot off I’m shooting myself off in your wifes ass. Thank God for George Bush. I have about 4 wives I’m currently fucking because of his great leadership. I voted republican this year and then promptly went to a shipped off wives’s home and came in her mouth.

435478925
Once when I was taking a shower, my nose started bleeding for some reason. There was a lot of blood, and it dripped all over me and I rubbed it on me. I loved it how I looked, covered in blood. Then I heard as the doorbell rang. I checked who was coming from the door-eye, and saw it was some old granny who I didn’t know. I opened the door and looked as frightening as I could. I was butt naked and covered in blood. She passed out and hit her head. I just called the ambulance and forgot about it. I still don’t know what happened to her, in fact, I don’t want to know. She might be dead.

870400561
I like to put dead flies in my grammas oatmeal. she has alzheimers and lives with us. she thinks the flies are raisins and frequently comments on the juicy raisins.

6251812
i love japscat, in fact people at the club call me pissboy while i walk around and touch myself like its a turkish prison

139760709
I confess that I’m chronically unemployed, and usually just sit around depressed all day surfing the web, then as the sun starts to set and my lights are still off I play songs on itunes from when I was a kid and freak out while I get wasted on chocolate liquer spiked with grain alcohol. Then usually I end up jacking off and falling asleep in my own spooge.
This happens every day except the second Wednesday of each month, when I chair the monthly city zoning board meeting in Scranton.

963554689
I had an affair with the married MD of my company, then a few years later, had sex with the other one. I only remembered cos there was a condom on the floor when I woke up the next day and I had cum in my hair. I still work there, and am hoping for a big payoff when I leave.

504538692
i get turned on when my dog eats its own vomit

156329478
i sometimes book myself into backpacker hostels and pretend to be from somewhere else. i do it because women on holiday seem to find me more interesting. i’ve made up an alternative identity and i like the fake me better than the real me. the fake me gets a lot more sex and has a lot more fun. i have a real thing for japanese women. i even took a week off work once and stayed in a dumpy hostel so i could hang out with a 18yo japanese chick. i’m a 31yo divorcee. we went surfing and mountain hiking. i ultimately took her virginity and checked out the following moring because i was falling for her and knew she’d hate me if she knew i was such a big liar. i’ve never had better sex either. maybe its because i was falling for her. i must be fucked up because i took the bedsheet with her blood and pussy juices on it and have stashed it in my cupboard. i sometimes take it out and wank on it.

125136739
I think I will end up all alone. I am 23 years old and weigh 220 pounds and am short. I have a 5 inch cock. I have never been on a date with a girl ever in my life. I have never kissed a girl, never hugged one and to this date I do not think a single girl has had any feelings for me. I mostly just try to live on by myself and do some stuff of my own and so I have very very few friends. I go online and talk about my “girlfriend” with some guys showing them pics of some girl from the net. It makes my life that much easier to have atleast someone believe that I might have a girlfriend and am not the pathetic loser that I am. Sad uh? I have very low self confidence and I can never talk to a girl without acting weird. I have been teased mercilessly for being fat and the scars are there and I think they will be forever. I was the only child of parents who were too ignorant to even realize that I had problems. I have never talked about my feelings or insecurities to anyone, I never had anyone to talk to. I am lonely, fat and depressed. I feel miserable for being fat and for having a small cock. I know no normal girl will ever like me. I am too bad with people to make friends. So, I resort to what I know to go on living this shitty life. I will probably eat more and more, smoke more and more, watch more and more porn and go on chatting to guys claiming some girl from the net as my girlfriend.Somebody kill me now.

661457085
I am in love with my wife’s sister. I have been for nine years since I met her. I can recall every instance of us being close, however spurious: dancing together at parties, every chaste kiss goodbye, every drunken flirty moment, every nice thing she’s ever said to me. I used to just fancy her but now I know I want to be with her always. We both have children and so have exactly the same amount to lose from infidelity, yet I know it will never happen. I’d never see my kids again. So I live a lie. I don’t think I love my wife anymore. When we’re together I think of her sister. It’s killing me.

871445665
I was at work one day and realized that i had a huge blood stain on my pants from my period.
Everyone else knew except me.
I found out about it at 5pm as i got up and noticed the mark on my chair.

977884753
okay. In high school there was this sexy girl called Chloe. One night I got lucky and had sex with her. Her brother guessed she was gonna have sex that night so he pretended to leave for a movie, but stayed at home. When me and Chloe were nearly done he jumped into the room with a baseball bat and hit me in the balls. I fell off the bed screaming with pain. He then picked me up and threw me out the window. Luckily Chloe’s room was on the main floor so I only got a body full of needles. I had to run home naked across 10 blocks because he trashed my bike. I went back to school on monday, i didn’t go on friday because of the thorns and the pain. I saw Chloe with a black eye, and a sling. She pulled me into the girls changing room (nobody was there), and told me that her brother beat her. I got totally pissed right. After school. When he was walking home I grabbed a plank out of the decrepit portable and smashed him a couple times. I broke his arm and his nose then he ran away. He called the cops and they came. I got in trouble a little but they found out that he commited like 30 different petty thefts and when they learned of his abuse of sister and beating me up he went to jail for two months or something. Sweet sweet revenge

896310607
i sold my baby dahters crib and clothes to buy some meth then whin my girl friend found out i stole her car and left out of state.

402275554
I’m on the wrestling team at my high school and at practice a few days ago, my friend stuck his fingers in my butt and it kind of turned me on so I asked him if he was interested in guys and he said yes so we had sex and now we are together! I like squirrels and smoothies.

179164595
I poisoned my neighbor’s yard in high school with the kind of herbicide that kills everything and sterilizes the soil for a whole year. They wound up getting a rock garden and video cameras.

I invented a engine that ran on compressed gas and water, i could have made it public and save the earth 25yrs worth of polution, but instead i sold the patent to Shell Oil for a truck full of cash.
The money never bought me happieness and i felt if i would have made it public i would be poor, but i would have felt like i helped every creature on earth.
You only live once and you cant take money with you so i realy wish i would have left somthing good for all mankind to remember me by.
Biggest mistake of my life.

As a Dr. I often see women in my practice. When I know I have to give a physical to a younger, attractive lady, I have to duct tape my penis so she doesn’t see my raging hard-on.

i’ve been having sex with a very good friend’s girlfriend off and on for like 3 years. she tells me she hates him and that she loves me and wants to move away with me. it’s funny. the sex isn’t very good, i can’t get her off because he has some huge unit that i can’t compete with. yeah. it’s funny.

I stretch for about 1-2 hours a day so I will eventually be able to fellate myself. I’m getting close, because if I stick my tongue out real far, I can almost reach. I hope that I will be able to do it someday.

One of my wife’s best friends always comes on to me everytime she comes over. I would do her in a heartbeat if I knew she could keep the secret.

Me and my friend used to give each other blow jobs when we were younger. We arent gay, we both have girlfriends now, and we are still friends. We just dont talk about that time in our lives.

I used to babysit my neighbors kids when I was younger. Sometimes when I was putting the baby to bed I would pinch him to make him cry. Then when he was crying I would pull my shirt up and have him suckle my breast.

I really hate kids. For some reason my family thinks that this hatred should meet some barrier when concerning relatives, but it doesn’t.
I can barely tolerate adults who have some concept of etiquette and behaviour, let alone some snot nosed loudass crying vaginal ejection.
I don’t care if she’s my niece, that has nothing to do with me, she’s a crying fat little ball of feces and disease. No I don’t want to hold her or talk in a retarded voice around her or be around her. No it’s not funny when she throws things or knocks things over or breaks things or gets food all over herself.
I am never having kids and just because you made the mistake of having one doesn’t mean I have to associate with the consequences.

hi, the other day i saw a little kid, around two years old in a stroller. they were trying to open a sucker, it was sour apple, my favorite flavor. i went over to this kid when their mom was turned around, and snatched the candy right out of his grubby little hands. i couldn’t help it. it was so easy. like stealing candy from a baby i guess. and boy, was that the best sour apple sucker i’ve ever had.

I have a cat stroller, and I stroller my cat around my neighborhood. I am such a nut, but it makes my cat very happy.

During a dinner party I put cat food on crackers and told everyone it was pate.

Sometimes, when I’m at work, I get really horny and end up going to the girl’s bathroom to masturbate.

I wish my man would spank me. I can cum instantly if I’m being rammed doggie-style and given some good spanking discipline.

I photoshop my ex’s head unto porn pictures and mastrubate to them.

My cock is too big. Women are afraid of it’s girth when I whip it out and it’s erect. They’re scared at first, then when I penetrate them, it’s usually too much for them, but I bang away and pretend I’m going to fuck them in half. After a couple of thrusts, they whine and usually cum quickly. Some of them have cried from the pain and I love when that happens.

the other day i was horny and had sex with a zucchini…penis is better

when im alone, i whack off to my own asshole, i bend over in front of the mirror and stroke my hard penis
it is very appetizing

I think my mom isn’t much of a cook

when i’m alone i think that i am a super sayin from dragonball z. i once tried to fly away out of my bedroom window. i broke both my arms and ruptured my spleen

I jack off on random door knobs and then sit and watch people open that door. I get a kick out of seeing them put their hands near their face or on food! I love my own cum. I think my jizz tastes like peanut butter when combined with my feces.

 

std kumara

eh someone doing a search for ‘gash in tongue from herpes’ ended up here which made me think of a nice little tale. also makes me think of a mate of mine who recently had to get himself circumcised at like 20 after ripping the bejesus out of his foreskin during a one-night-stand with a girl who just happened to have a lab piercing…

anyways sometime around new years 99 I started developing sores on my penis.

yes, yes, I know you probably didn’t want to know that. stop dry-retching, shut up and listen. this _is_ an std story after all…

anyway these sores would get up to the size of fifty cent piece when, er, enlarged and there were a few of them that would come and go from various spots.

now being a monogomous guy at the time I initially thought they were just the usual friction burns from being a little too enthusiastic while engaged in a little kama-sutran naked twister. you know pretty much when you get all freaky and have your foot under the lightshade with your head under the bed while you’re knotted together like squid.

but after the ‘friction burns’ kept coming back again and again and in spots that just didn’t get that much ‘friction’ I figured it was time to go get it sorted. and by time I mean it took me the better part of three months before I finally slunk into the std clinic.

so I’m sitting there on the couches studiously not making eye contact with the other patrons in the unspoken but immediately recognized sexual-health-clinic etiquette. they have these folders on the waiting room table and in order to stop playing field-of-vision eyeline-avoidance-tag with the other waitees I pick one up and start reading it. What the folders turn out to be are page after page of information leaflets on STDs; chlamydia, syphilis, genital warts, urinary tract infections; all a smashing good read.

after leafing through all three folders (turns out there are a crapload of things that can go wrong with your pink bits) the only thing I can find which matches is herpes. Now like most people I’d *heard* of herpes, but really had no idea what it was or what it meant; but it was the only condition where ‘recurring welts on penis’ featured as a symptom. there was plenty of other stuff but they all involved disgusting combinations of moles, pus and shedding and I didn’t have that and for our mutual benefit I won’t go into them any further. did I mention all these leaflets came with full colour pictures?

so I look up the ‘treatment’ section on herpes and it says ‘find an understanding long-term partner’.

not exactly the prognosis I was hoping for, and I wasn’t exactly sure that my partner was going to be particularly, er, ‘understanding’.

so I’m sitting there crapping my pants and listening to some poor wretch sobbing her guts out in one of the treatment rooms and it’s all just kumara. eventually a male nurse gets me into a room and has my daks off in short order. he’s really good about it and clearly gay so I don’t feel like I’m asking too much of him to inspect my junk. I tell him my herpes theory and he pretty much says ‘pshaw’ and gets back to fondling my wang.

his diagnosis turns out to be thrush. thrush?! you say - isn’t that what females get? yes, yes it is… but it turns out boys can get festy too if they have a go at a girl who currently has a little dose of yeasty goodness. all well and good and solved by regularly dunking ones’ knob into saltwater and washing with aqueous cream.

however the fun doesn’t end there; as part of the STD check the nurse has to check me out for anything else just to be sure; aids test etc and well worth the checkup, everyone should do one every x partners or so I guess. for the chlamydia test he pulls out what looks like a miniature double-ended slushy straw. turns out the scoop at each end is for collecting samples from the urethra.

ahem. snap.

what they do is grab either side of the glans and fold them underneath; closest thing I can think of to cracking the helmet like a fortune cookie. the peehole gets stretched to ridiculous proprtions but it doesn’t really hurt to have your knob turned inside out; it is however a particularly distrubing event nonetheless.

then they take the little miniature slushy-straw with the scoop on the end and stick it a couple of inches down the peehole, and twist it like a key in a, well, keyhole. it scrapes some whatever off the inside of your piss tract, and stings like a fucker. the process is repeated abpout five times and by the end of it the inside of the penis burns like it’s taken a shot of tequila - not that i’d know anything about that *cough*

that was the worst of it and bless him the nurse didn’t stick a finger up my ass so that part at least was all good. A few years ago I had some prostate trouble and had first my asian GP and then the specialist proctologist he referred me too insert their digits up my wazoo. trust me take the slender asian man over the beefcake specialist any day. what kind of dude who has knuckles the size of golf balls decides to stick his hand up other mens arses for a living?

 

google kumara

Search	Views

story/the boy sucked my cock in the tent	1
does low testerone make you weak	1
hardons	1
massage groin	1
dry retching smoking	1

i’ve decided that as long as I don’t get views > 1 then I’m still a good person. not like mother theresa good, but still better than mengele. still, I’d love to see what that ornithologist is up to…